d serves

The Learning Process of Dating

2010-11-17T08:46:00.005-07:00

I suppose the first thing to understand about my dating naivete is that I was with my first husband from the age of 14 and have spent less than 3 years of my adult life in the single state. When you throw in the fiances that I didn't marry, it is a brief few months of my adult life that I have been uncoupled. In fact, these past 3 months are the longest I have been without a boyfriend, fiance or husband since I was 12 years old.

It feels strange to me. I just can't seem to settle down into this all-by-myself status, but at the same time I refuse to get sucked into a relationship I'm not 100% comfortable with either. I have also been celibate during this time, and that is getting old, but again, I don't want to have even 'just sex' unless I have some belief that it will be more satisfying than solitary sex with my toys.

So, now, the story of this past weekend. I had placed a profile on an online dating site about a month ago. One of the men who contacted me was very gentlemanly in an old-world way, and he invited me to his city about 2 hours away in order for us to meet, offering to pay for my gas for the drive there and wanting me to spend Saturday and Sunday there. I thought this was a reasonable invitation, so I accepted. This was planned at least 2 weeks in advance, and in the interim, there were brief messages between us concerning details like my dining preferences so he could plan where we would go for meals, but no deep conversation. (Red Flag #1: I should have made sure there was specific communication about expectations on both sides.)

I arrived in the area and let him know so that he could give me directions to where he was. He told me to meet at a drugstore near where he lived because the security at his subdivision "is a pain in the ass." I assumed this meant that he needed to make sure I had some kind of security pass for my car in order to get through the gates, but when we met up at the drugstore, it became clear that he expected me to leave my car there and ride in his car to his home. Because I didn't feel threatened, I elected to go in his car with him. Side note: I carry a weapon in my purse. (Red Flag #2: I should have insisted on driving my own car regardless of what "a pain in the ass" it was, or even better, I should have initiated a delayed discussion regarding expectations and ended the 'date' right there.)

When we got to his house, the first thing he did after I followed him in was to turn around and start kissing me. I thought it was going to be an old-world style hug and kiss on the cheek, but he took it to the mouth. I extricated myself and created some physical distance. (Red Flag #3: Another point where I should have initiated a discussion regarding boundaries before continuing the 'date'.)

He prepared cold drinks, and we went into the living room for what I thought was going to be a time of visiting and getting to know each other (verbally). I sat on the edge of the couch a couple feet away, trying to let my body language tell the story that I wasn't interested in physical contact. However, he continued to interrupt the conversation by embracing me, pulling my upper body backward from my perch and trying to kiss me. I don't remember how many times this happened, each time with me managing to extricate myself and each successive time him being more forceful and trying to go farther each time, to the point of groping my breasts, whereupon I finally spoke up and said, "No, I'm not ready for all of that" several times while blocking my breasts with my arms and/or removing his hands from my body as he tried to lift up my skirt more than once. (Red Flag #4: I should never have allowed this to go on as long as it did and should have insisted on being returned to my car immediately and/or extricated myself and left the premises on foot if need be.)

As I became more and more forcefully defensive, a discussion ensued, where he questioned what did I think was going to happen when we were sleeping in the same bed, and I said I hadn't been planning on sleeping in the same bed. He was incredulous that I agreed to come there for an overnight visit without planning to have sex. I said I didn't know that 'visit' equaled 'sex' and that it was not going to happen because I don't have sex with strangers. He said that then there was no point, and I said he could take me back to my car then. At this point, he insisted that we still go to dinner because he had promised to take me out to dinner. He had also promised to pay my gas expense for the trip there, but that wasn't addressed. (Red Flag #5: I should have insisted on being taken to my car immediately.)

We went to dinner, and while waiting to be seated, he kept getting behind me and groping my ass! I kept stepping away. He asked me how long I had been in 'the lifestyle'. I asked why, and that's when he told me he'd been a Dom for 30 years. He had found me on a vanilla dating site, so this kind of surprised me. He spent the whole dinner trying to convince me to come back to his house so he could make me "feel good." He showed me his profile on a BDSM site with pictures of women in bondage and with various implements on them, presumably to try to get me turned on. It didn't work. (Red Flag #6: I should have asked why, in 30 years, he never learned the rules I learned in the lifestyle during the last 5 years: 'No means No' and 'No touching without permission'.)

After dinner he did return me to my car when I insisted and never did reimburse me for the gas it took to get there and back. I hightailed it out of there, ended up in a parking lot and started texting my friends about how angry I was about what happened. After I cooled down for awhile, I was able to get in touch with another man who had contacted me on the same dating site and lived nearby. We met at a friendly little bar in a neighboring town and had a nice relaxing time with the other patrons. It was like hanging out with friends and very comforting after my unpleasant experience earlier in the evening.

This experience has taught me:

First meetings are to be in public places ONLY.
Ask questions about expectations before meeting someone for the first time.
NO overnight first 'dates'.
Carry a weapon and my phone on my person when meeting someone for the first time.
If there is touching without permission, give warning, then exit if there is a second offense.
Do not drive long distances to meet anyone unless I already have other business to take care of and would be there anyway. Otherwise, go no farther than halfway to meet someone.
Give all information I know about the person I'm meeting to a friend and have the friend make calls to check on me during the meeting.

There are probably more red flags I should have taken heed of and probably more I should have learned from this experience, but this is at least a start, and I'm going to give myself credit for trying to learn these things and implement these 'rules'.

As a submissive, I am finding it very difficult to protect myself. I have always depended on the man in my life to protect me. I am so used to submitting to a man and being acquiescent and going with the flow. It's hard for me to be on guard and do the protecting all by myself. Things that are elementary to others are not so obvious to me. I tend to believe the best of people and don't expect them to behave badly. I really need to wise up fast.

Burn-Out

2010-11-12T12:44:00.003-07:00

I have been single for 3 months now. I have been dating for the past month, and I am already burnt out.

I'm tired of smiling and being charming to people who end up asking me for nude pictures instead of taking the time to get to know me. I'm tired of people who want to endlessly 'chat' or email online or text on the phone instead of talking on the phone and meeting in person. I'm most especially tired of people who live far away and want to have a 'relationship' online without any plan for meeting or discussing relocation.

I'm hoping this is just the way I'm feeling right now and not a long-term feeling because ordinarily I enjoy meeting and talking to people and being sociable. Right now, though, I'm feeling ready to get off the dating roller coaster, at least for awhile. Maybe I need some time off to recharge my smiley charming self so I can get back to feeling normal again. I definitely need to spend some time learning better how to navigate these shark-infested waters.

Thursday Thunks: Spices, Quotes and Other Things

2009-04-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

1. If you could skywrite anything you wanted, what would it be?

Probably something silly like, "d was here"

2. Did you get drunk at your prom?

I never went to prom :-(

3. What is your favorite spice to use cooking?

Pepper is what I use most. I also like paprika and garlic salt.

4. What color is your roof?

Red.

5. In a land far, far away I _____________

finally found what I was looking for.

6. In the Miss USA pageant, Miss California was asked; "Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?" and her answer was; "Well I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. Um, we live in a land that you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and in, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman," Carrie said to a mix of boos and applause. "No offense to anybody out there. But that's how I was raised and that's how I think that it should be between a man and a woman." Do you think that cost her the crown?

I have no idea, and I don't care.

7. Do you watch Miss USA/Miss America pageants?

No.

8. Have you ever driven/ridden on a tractor?

I don't think so, even though I've been on farms before.

9. For the parents - what cartoon/children show did your child watch obsessively? (Hey, if you aren't a parent, maybe a niece or nephew...)

SpongeBob SquarePants.

10. If I set a level on your living room floor - would it show that it was level?

It feels level, so hopefully it would pass the test.

11. What was the last restaurant you ate at?

It was a Mexican restaurant inside a hotel, and I don't remember the name of it.

12. What's the picture on your wall calendar for this month?

A Currier & Ives picture called, 'My Boyhood Home'.

13. Are you superstitious?

No.

14. If I get into your car and turn on the radio - what type of radio station will I hear?

Could be any kind. I use the 'seek' button, so it could be stopped on just about anything.

15. Would you rather wake up with a snake in your bed or a lizard?

If I absolutely have to choose to be near either one, it would have to be the lizard, I guess, but I do not like the idea at all.

16. Do you think schools have changed at all since the Columbine tragedy 10 years ago? In what ways?

I assume there is more security in the schools than there used to be , but apparently it's not always effective because there was a gunman at the local school just a few months ago. He ran off after beating up a teacher (no serious injuries, thank goodness), so all the children were okay, but still pretty traumatic for everybody.

Wednesday Weirdness #52

2009-04-22T17:59:00.001-07:00

1.) What items (if any) do you get embarrassed to purchase?

I can't think of anything I've been embarrased to buy. I figure it's none of the check-out person's business anyway.

2.) What sexual position do you and your partner/significant other use most?

Missionary--man on top--IF I had a man to be on top.

3.) Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off or do you slip them on and off?

I always untie them before taking them off, and I nag my children to do the same and to tie them when they are on their feet.

4.) What is the last thing you broke by accident?

I think it was a plate I dropped.

5.) If you had to lose one of your body parts what would it be and why?

I suppose it would be my appendix since supposedly we don't need it.

6.) How do you feel about anal sex?

I find the idea of it more stimulating than the reality, although I do get a lot of enjoyment from my partner's enjoyment of it.

7.) If you could have the ability to solve problems quickly and easily or the ability to know without doubt every time a person told a lie, which ability would you want and why?

That's an easy one--I'd want to be a foolproof human lie detector. That alone would prevent a myriad of problems.

TMI Tuesday #183

2009-04-21T22:26:00.001-07:00

1. Marriage and children aside, what has been your greatest accomplishment in life?

Still being here after all these years.

2. Aside from healthy and happy children, what is your greatest ambition for the future?

To finish all the needlework projects I began for all my loved ones before I die.

3. If we were to enter your real name in a search engine, what would we find?

I googled it and found a couple of reviews on Amazon.

4. Who is the most famous person you ever met (not just in the same room as, but actually spoke with)?

I believe I answered this on a previous meme--Bob Dole.

5. Parents aside, who is your biggest hero?

You didn't disallow grandparents, so I am saying my grandmother. I've always wanted to be as sweet and loving as she was.

6. Someone once worked out the sexual version of Six Degrees of Separation - Celebrity A slept with B, who slept with C, who slept with D, making as sort of connection between A and D. Are you connected to anyone famous through six or fewer bonks?

I seriously doubt it. I suppose it could be true, but how would I ever know?

Submissive Journal

2009-04-20T19:07:00.000-07:00

Do you identify with a particular type of animal? Do you use any kind of pet or animal interactions with your owner?

i like cats and dogs as pets, but i don't identify with them, and i don't remember ever doing any pet or animal interactions with anyone before.

Do you feel the desire to please, or obey, or a combination of both? Can either of these desires work to your detriment?

i assume that obedience is pleasing, but pleasing is more than obedience. i desire to do both--obviously to obey when directed to do something, but also to get to know my Owner well enough so that i would get better at anticipating His needs and meeting them.

i feel like both desires can work to my detriment, especially if focusing on only one to the exclusion of the other. For example, if i were only to respond to direct orders, my Owner might get weary of always having to direct me, and if i were only to depend upon my own intuition about His needs and desires and ignore direction, that would not be pleasing at all.

It seems best to have obedience be automatic and also be looking for ways to please beyond that whenever it feels like it would be welcomed.

How do you greet your owner upon your or his/her arrival?

i have to answer this about a prior relationship. i was to be freshly bathed, naked and waiting on my knees in the bedroom when he arrived home.

What activity that you engage in involves all of you; mind, body and soul?

If i was having sex, that would be my answer, but since i have not had sex in a long time, probably the activity that has any chance of involving all three of those parts of me (but in a much more minor way) would be dancing or exercise of some kind.

Are you allowed to show your lust for your partner? How do you approach your partner when you want sex?

Again, i have to answer from the past and say i was always allowed to show my desire for him and to approach him when i wanted sex, but i have always tended to be subtle in my approach, like getting naked and cuddling up to him, and so i rarely got the response i was hoping for.

When do you feel the most beautiful?

When my significant other tells me i am beautiful.

Sunday Stealing: The 40 Meme

2009-04-19T16:53:00.003-07:00

1. My uncle once : reported that he had spotted my other uncle "walking doggedly" when we were driving around trying to locate him at the airport. Since we passed said uncle before i got a chance to see him, i never learned what "walking doggedly" looks like.

2. Never in my life : have i set out to hurt anyone, so i cannot understand why those that do, do.

3. When I was seventeen : i was married, a homeowner, had a full-time job and was pregnant with my oldest child.

4. High School was : more fun than not, but not enough fun for me to ever desire to go to a high school reunion.

5. I will never forget : my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles and their love for me.

6. I once met : Bob Dole when he was running for Vice President in 1976.

7. There’s this girl I know who : wants to be with the One she belongs to.

8. Once, at a bar : some guy i didn't even know grabbed me and gagged me with his tongue. Gross.

9. By noon, I’m usually : hungry.

10. Last night : i spent the evening hanging out and talking with new friends.

11. If only I had : enough money to pay all the bills on time.

12. Next time I go to gym/church : (gym/church????? i didn't even know there was such a thing as a gym/church. Either way, i haven't seen the inside of one in years!)

13. Susan Boyle : sings very well.

14. What worries me most : is losing anyone i love.

15. When I turn my head left, I see : a beautiful day outside.

16. When I turn my head right, I see : a room in serious need of the kids getting all their stuff picked up and out of here.

17. You know I’m lying when : i say i am lying? But even that is not correct since i don't lie.

18. What I miss most about the eighties : is my youth.

19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be : Juliet.

20. By this time next year : i will weigh a lot less than i do now.

21. A better name for me would be : Conqueror. (Rom 8:37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.)

22. I have a hard time understanding : why some people seem to lead charmed lives.

23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll : become an M.D.

24. You know I like you if : i tell you so.

25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be : whoever gave it to me.

26. When I compare 80’s rock to 90’s rock : i like 80s rock better.

27. Take my advice, never : go to bed angry.

28. My ideal breakfast is : fried eggs topped with cheese.

29. A song I love, but do not own is : Supermassive Black Hole by Muse. It sets me to dancing.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest : you stay in your car with your windows rolled up and your doors locked and pass through as quickly as possible.

31. My favorite Beatle is : Paul.

32. Why won’t people : be nicer to each other?

33. If you spend the night at my house : it will be so much fun--Slumber Party!

34. I’d stop my wedding for : a family emergency or if i was blessed enough to found out before the wedding that the person i was going to marry was a liar. So far, i have failed to dodge that bullet.

35. The world could do without : terrorists.

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than : ever be in a relationship with a liar again.

37. My favorite blond is : Sawyer aka James

38: Paper clips are more useful than : a hole in the head?

39. If I do anything well, it’s : empathy and compassion.

40. And by the way : i love watching sunsets.

Saturday 9: Almost Famous

2009-04-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

1. Have you ever been told that you look like someone famous?

i answered this on another meme not too long ago, and the answer was yes, i have been told i look like Bette Midler.

2. Name a celebrity that shares your birthday.

Reba McEntire.

3. Tell us about your first kiss.

i think i was 12, and it was with a neighbor boy a year older who talked me into it, and it was pretty close-mouthed and stiff. Even so, i thought i had moved into the big leagues, having acquired kissing experience. i think he managed to kiss all of us neighborhood girls at some point.

A few months ago, one of my friends told me that she had recently attended his funeral. Too young to die. Very sad for his wife and children.

4. When you meet someone attractive, what do you notice first?

Smile.

5. What was your biggest mistake ever?

Oh gosh, there have been so many collosal mistakes, how on earth can i pick a 'biggest'? The one thing they all seem to have in common, though, is that i went against my gut instinct. In hindsight, that's what i always end up telling myself--i should have gone with my gut feelings instead.

6. Give us one random, but candid fact about you.

i am going to try that four orgasms a day thing to see if it makes me happier (see 'Current' below). (You asked for candid!)

7. What about your current or most recent lover excites you?

Current: i do not have a lover currently, which makes me unhappy and is not exciting.
Most recent: Nothing. Worst. "Lover" (and i use the quotes for sarcasm's sake). Ever.

8. What really annoys you?

Men who assume that i am easy and/or desperate just because i am into BDSM. Mean people. Liars.

9. How many other Saturday 9’ers answers do you usually read?

This is my first time doing this meme. i plan on reading at least three others, more if time permits.

Saturday Six: Episode 262

2009-04-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

1. What is the last drink you drank at home?

Room temperature water, very exciting.

2. You’re ordering a latte: do you prefer caffeine or decaf? Flavored or regular? Lowfat or regular?

i don't even know what a latte is, so i probably wouldn't be ordering it. i suspect it may be some kind of coffee, in which case i definitely would not be ordering it.

3. What is the last non-alcoholic drink you ordered at a restaurant?

i am going to declare the Sonic drive-thru to be a restaurant so my that answer can be Cherry Limeade. Love that stuff.

4. What’s the most exotic mixed drink you remember trying? Did you enjoy it?

The bartender said it was his specialty and named it after my daughter, with whom he was flirting a lot. He loved how she looks like Jennifer Aniston. The drink was pink and sweet, and i think i had three of them. He kept giving them to us for free.

5. Take the quiz: What Flavor Margarita Are You?

You Are a Lime Margarita

Realistic and grounded, you have the energy to tackle any obstacle that stands in your way.
Hyper and driven, you despise lazy behavior of all kinds... especially lazy drunks too tired to dance!

What Flavor Margarita Are You?

6. How likely would you be to order the drink listed as the answer to the previous question?

Considering that i love Cherry Limeade, i would probably be very likely to order a Lime Margarita. i wonder if there is such a thing as a Cherry Lime Margarita. If not, maybe that bartender mentioned above would create one for me.

Friday 5: The Great Outdoors

2009-04-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. When did you last sleep in a tent?

About a year and a half ago.

2. What comes to mind when you think about relieving yourself in the great outdoors?

Worry about what i am going to wipe with if i wasn't prepared.

3. Where’s the best place you ever went camping?

In a fully outfitted camping trailer.

4. What’s your favorite camp food?

Hebrew Nationals roasted over the campfire.

5. What’s your sleeping bag like?

Light blue on the outside, dark blue on the inside.

Thursday Thunks: Twilight, Emails, Being Nude and More Crazy Questions!

2009-04-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. Recently Berleen and I discovered the allure of the Twilight series. Have you ever been sucked in to the latest "thing"? (Like Harry Potter, the movie Titanic, social networking, etc. etc. etc.)

i haven't started reading the Twilight series yet, but i probably will if only to see if the Bella character is as wooden on paper as she was portrayed on film. i'm hoping i will enjoy her more in the book.

i have gotten kind of sucked into social networking. i've also gotten sucked into Lost. If something is really popular, i like to check it out to see why. Sometimes things are popular because they really are great.

2. What software do you use for your email?

i just go to the website and do it there.

3. Are you comfortable being nude?

Only in the privacy of my own home and not in front of the kids. i have gotten over being modest in medical situations because it's hopeless trying to maintain modesty under those conditions.

4. What is something you plan on doing this summer?

Visit with friends in Las Vegas.

5. Do you have a favorite movie/book quote? If so, what is it?

i like "I'm your huckleberry" from Doc Holliday in Tombstone.

6. How many email addresses do you have?

Too many to keep up with.

7. Is the sky falling?

It was Wednesday morning.

8. Have you been to the Grand Canyon?

Yes, several times, but i still don't like standing near the edge.

9. When was the last time you mailed a hand written letter?

November 2008.

Four Orgasms A Day

2009-04-15T00:27:00.001-07:00

I read that for spiritual well-being, women need to masturbate at least 4 times a day. Can't test that theory out yet since the kids are home on Spring Break.

Wednesday Weirdness #51: Story Time Edition

2009-04-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

1.) Tell us how you picked the blog nickname that you write under. Were you considering using a different pseudonym or was the one you wound up with your first pick?

'His d' was my first pick. My name starts with 'd', so it was pretty easy to choose since i love being His.

2.) Tell us about your worst oral sex experience.

That was my first time since i had no idea what i was doing and wasn't sure i was doing it 'right', so i was really self-conscious about it. On the other hand, i don't think i've ever had a bad receptive oral sex experience.

3.) Tell us about the most fun night you've had in the last two months' time.

i don't get out much, so it has to be when i went out with my daughters on a trip to Las Vegas. We mostly drank, and much of it was free because the bartenders and male patrons were enamored of my beautiful daughters. i hardly ever drink, so i ended up being drunk the whole night and really paid for it the next day with a major headache. Another relative that was along on the trip recently posted pictures of the event on a social network, and seeing those pictures was so humiliating that i'm going to try being more sober and camera-aware on such excursions in the future. i did enjoy the night while it was happening, though.

4.) If you were in a restaurant sitting down ready to order and you saw something that grossed you out enough to make you get up right then and leave without ever ordering, tell us about what you saw to make you react that way.

This has never happened to me before, but i imagine if i saw cockroaches or mice or rats running around the restaurant, i'd lose my appetite and have to leave. This doesn't really fit into the scenario described, but something that really grosses me out is when employees use the restroom and don't wash their hands before going back to work. The problem is that when i have witnessed that, it has usually been AFTER i've eaten there, but once i see it, i don't go back.

5.) Tell us about your favorite childhood toy.

It is a toss-up between Barbies and Madame Alexander dolls. i collected both. i loved dressing and undressing them and doing their hair.

6.) Tell us about the weirdest sexual proposition you've ever been faced with.

Weird and super gross. A couple of different men told me they wanted to do oral sex on me while i was on my period. It never happened, and after hearing about that, i wasn't interested in anything else, either.

7.) Tell us about one of the not-so-good dates you and your current (or ex if you have no current) significant other have gone on.

My wedding nights were not very good. With my first ex-husband, he got sick and was throwing up all night long. With my second ex-husband, we were walking back to the hotel after going to a movie, and some idiots driving by threw a water balloon at us, and it hit and broke on me, and it wasn't water in the balloon. Maybe those wedding nights were omens that the marriages were cursed and doomed.

TMI Tuesday #182: Dance Edition

2009-04-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. If you could describe your personality through a dance what would it be?

A waltz--old-fashioned and being led by the man.

2. What about describing your sex life through a type of dance?

Well, right now, it would be the wallflower waiting for someone to ask her to dance.

3. What's one move on the dance floor sure to turn you on?

Watching the Paso Doble tends to turn me on.

4. Is there a dancer you would love to be with? (Dancer can be used as loosely as you want!)

i want to do a horizontal Paso Doble with A.

5. What moves do you pull out to impress someone new?

It has been so long since i have been dancing that i don't know if i can remember any moves. i always preferred slow dancing and being held in the man's arms, so the moves would have been the man's anyway.

Submissive Journal

2009-04-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

What resources do you have in your service-based arsenal? What would you recommend for domestics, cooking, cleaning and other forms of service?

For household organization and cleaning, i recommend FlyLady. For cooking, i recommend Saving Dinner.

In the beginning, did you ever wonder if you would lose your sense of self somehow in your slavery? Has that proven to be the case? Is that still a question for you?

i did lose my sense of self during a long marriage to an abusive narcissist, but that was how i survived for so long. In regaining my sense of self after the end of that marriage, an integral part of that is still embracing my slavery because that is who i am, but i realize that the coping strategies that i needed before are no longer necessary, so i have been shedding them and more and more re-blossoming into myself again. During that abusive relationship, i was not allowed to have feelings, much less express them. i am learning to be true to my feelings, and i no longer stuff them down with food nor try to deny what i am feeling. i have learned that if i ever find myself involved with someone who does not cherish and protect me, then i will need to end the relationship.

With all that being said, surrendering myself to and losing myself in a man who truly does love, cherish and protect me is a whole different thing. i see that as a safe place to be where my 'self' is nurtured and cultivated the way it is supposed to be. In that case, my best self can only be realized in being His.

Why should women feel empowered?

Simply because we are women and are vital to the survival of the species.

Do you consider yourself monogamous or polyamorous or some other category which cannot be defined? Is there such a thing as "no preference"? What makes your preference work for you?

i am monogamous. i am very single-minded and focused on the man i am mated to. So far it hasn't worked very well for me since the men i have been married to turned out not to be monogamous.

it's hard to believe someone could truly have 'no preference'. Seems like everyone would have a preference.

If you could say three things to the world about the nature of your personal sexuality and really be heard, understood, and accepted, what would you say?

Obviously, there is no guarantee of being heard, understood and accepted, so i rarely try to explain it to anyone except those who are sincerely interested because they are exploring their own personal sexuality and wanting to learn more.

Three things that make my personal sexuality acceptable to me are:

1. It is Scriptural.
2. It is nobody's business but my own and those with whom i am sexual.
3. i do not do anything that is harmful to myself or others.

Have you experienced Sub Frenzy? What was it like?

i had to look this up to learn what it is. i believe i did experience this a few years ago when i was separated from my ex-husband. i did fall for someone, and it was very intense. It ended abruptly, and ultimately i ended up going back to my estranged husband, which was a poor decision, probably affected by the 'sub frenzy' and his promises to have an M/s relationship with me. i feel more grounded and even-keeled now.

Do you have a meditation ritual to think about your submission? What is it like? If you don’t, what would your mantra be like?

i have a bracelet with a little pewter box on it, and inside the box is a rolled-up piece of paper with this printed on it--

i belong to A, and any and every part of me is His to do with as He pleases. To Him i give my service, effort and devotion--my all.

As i wear the bracelet, this 'mantra' resonates within me, and i always remember that i am His.

Does your Owner discipline you as a part of maintenance even if you have been good?

We are not together in real life yet, but He has informed me that using me will happen as He pleases and in whatever form He pleases regardless of my behavior.

List 5 people you know — In 100 words or less tell them how thankful you are to them for something.

A: Thank You for helping me to focus on what is important. i appreciate all the time You have invested in me and the care You have shown for me and my children. i also appreciate each and every time You have spoken to me and each and every word You have written to me. Every word from You is so precious to me. Being Yours undergirds me and brings me joy. Knowing You brightens my days, and i long for the day when i can be at Your feet, serving You and being completely Yours in every way.

Mom: i really miss you. We ran out of time to talk about all the things i wanted to talk to you about, but through the years you always did listen to me and encourage me. You taught me so much, including all the needlework skills i still enjoy. You were always there for me when i needed you. i appreciate all the love and nurturing you gave me my whole life until you couldn't do it anymore, and we had to take care of you instead. i still remember your laugh and how beautiful you were.

Dad: i miss you so much. i appreciate everything you taught me and how you were always there for me no matter what. You gave me my moral compass and so much more. You encouraged every interest i ever had, showing me how to do so many things and always leading by your example. You always practiced what you preached, so i was able to always look up to you. You got down on our level to do things with us, and i loved all the times you would play games with us. You never lost the joy of being a kid and helped me to have that after i was an adult, too. It's so hard being without you.

Sister: i love and appreciate you so much. You have helped me get through so many difficult times and listened to me cry my heart out over and over again. You always know what to say to help me to hang on and keep going, no matter how much i think i can't. We've also had such fun times, laughing until our stomachs hurt, and i appreciate those times, too. You have gone out on a limb for me to help whenever you could, and one of those times was during a terrible time for you, too, and i will never forget that.

Daughter: You have always been loyal to me and stuck with me no matter what was happening and no matter how much pressure was put upon you, and i appreciate how you have stood by me that way. i know it must have been hard for you to be the different one and to go against the crowd. i also appreciate all the times you have helped me with the younger children and housework when we were all struggling with the difficulty of our daily lives in the toxic environment we were in. i'm sorry i didn't get all of us out sooner.

(It took me like half a box of Kleenex to get through writing the above five paragraphs.)

What do you consider domestic service? Do you enjoy serving or being served in this fashion? What tips do you have for someone learning to love domestics?

i think of domestic service as doing household chores, cooking, cleaning, serving meals. Those are all necessary for everyday life, so i haven't really thought about it that much in the specific context of service, as in consensual slavery. i can see, though, how it can be a part of that by focusing on the Master and meeting His needs.

Sunday Stealing: The Green Meme

2009-04-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

1. What is your current obsession?

A, my Sir.

2. What’s a good coffee place?

Starbuck's.

3. Who was the last person that you hugged?

my 14-year-old son, yesterday.

4. Do you nap a lot?

No.

5. Tonight, what’s for dinner?

Roast chicken, a current fave of the whole family.

6. What was the last thing that you bought?

Groceries and other household needs plus new mascara.

7. What is your favorite weather?

Sunny and warm.

8. Tell us something about one blogger who you think will play this week?

An Eerie Tapestry's blog title was inspired by a Batman comic.

9. If you were given a free house that was fully furnished, where in the world would you like it to be?

Somewhere on the California coast.

10. Name three things that you could not live without.

my loved ones, the Scriptures and an abundance of other books, preferably the classics that have stood the test of time.

11. What would you like in your hands right now?

Any part of A.

12. What’s one of your guilty pleasures?

All of my pleasures are guilt-free.

13. What would you change or eliminate about yourself?

i would like to eliminate my excess weight.

14. As a child, what type of career did you want?

As a young child, i wanted to be a princess, but as i grew older and learned that one had to be born into that career, i decided i wanted to be a wife and mother, and if that didn't pan out, then i was going to go to medical school and become a doctor and work in medical research.

15. What are you missing right now?

Since the question is 'what' and not 'who', the answer is the warmer weather we were having before it rained and got cold again yesterday. At least the sun is out today, so maybe it will eventually warm up.

16. What are you currently reading?

The manual for my new BlackBerry.

17. What do you fear the most?

Any of my loved ones being harmed.

18. What’s the best movie that you’ve seen recently?

The only movie i've seen recently is Twilight, and while i enjoyed it overall, i had a difficult time with the female lead. The actress did not do a very good job in my opinion, which distracted from the story. She was not animated enough, and i was not able to believe that she was as in love with the male lead as the story required. Granted, i have not read the book, but i cannot imagine that the portrayal of this character in the book could be so wooden, or else the book series could not be so hugely popular as it is.

19. What’s your favorite book from the past year?

i am going to answer this as my favorite book that i have read in the past year as opposed to my favorite book published in the past year because i rarely am able to read them so soon after release. i have read several really good books this past year, so this is a very hard decision, but the prize is going to Three Bags Full: A Sheep Detective Story by Leonie Swann. i believe it was originally written in German, which makes it all the more impressive to me how all the nuances are there in English. This was such a unique book, written from the perspective of a flock of sheep, and the way the author captured such great characters in the form of sheep is amazing. i was totally able to get into it and believe that these sheep were as intelligent as they were portrayed. i even began to perceive things from their point of view. There were really hilarious parts to the story, touching and dramatic parts, adventure, philosophy, you name it. A great, really enjoyable read.

20. Is there a comfort food from your childhood that you still enjoy?

Yes, Tuna a la King, which is tuna in a seasoned white sauce served steaming hot over buttered toast. Yum!

Saturday Six: Episode 261

2009-04-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

1. What is the last spice you used when cooking something at home?

Paprika on fried eggs.

2. How many varieties of mustard are in your refrigerator right now?

Three--regular yellow, spicy brown and Southwest Spicy.

3. How many different drinks are in your refrigerator right now?

Two--milk and Mountain Dew Voltage.

4. Which spice do you least like the taste of?

Sage?

5. Take the quiz: What Herb Are You?

You Are Basil

You are a mild mannered person. People feel naturally calm around you.
You are warm hearted and loving. You have a close knit circle of friends and family.

You have the courage to be who you are in life, even if others disagree. You're proud of your uniqueness.
You are good at caring for and healing others. You are naturally soothing.

What Herb Are You?

6. What’s your favorite flavor of chicken wings?

Teriyaki.

Friday 5: Ws, Part 2

2009-04-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

What’s something you know how to draw?

A happy face symbol.

Who’s someone you could get away with impersonating?

i've been told i look like Bette Midler. Wish i could sing as well as she does.

Where’s the stapler?

As usual, not on my desk where it is supposed to be.

Why will this be a great weekend?

Because i have a new toy.

When are you going to make that phone call you’ve been putting off?

On Monday when they're open again.

Thursday Thunks: Rabbits, don't get it, ouch and other randomness

2009-04-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. What was the last thing you ate?

Lamb.

2. I say the color purple.. what do you think of?

Bruises ;-)

3. Lamps or ceiling lights?

i need both. i need a light switch for a ceiling light right next to the door so i don't have to walk across a dark room and possibly break my neck, but i also need a closer-up light on whatever i am doing, especially for reading, doing paperwork and needlework.

4. What color rabbit is your favorite?

i'm not sure what they are called, but they have coloring and markings similar to a siamese cat. i saw that kind once at a county fair, and i thought they were very pretty.

5. Your car breaks down on a deserted road and your cell phone has no signal - what do you do?

i would put my hood up, turn on the flashers if they work and then stay in the car with the doors locked until someone i know or the police/highway patrol came along. If that took too long, i would probably try to walk to an inhabited area.

6. What is one thing most of your friends do online that you just can't understand the fascination and do not participate in?

i don't know if 'most' do it, but playing Mafia Wars seems to be very popular. i can't really judge it, not having tried it, but something about pretending to be a criminal doesn't sit well with me, and i haven't at all been tempted to try it. Strangely, though, i LOVED watching The Sopranos on HBO. i think the difference is that watching a story about criminals is more comfortable for me than portraying one myself.

7. What do you need right now?

What i always need--my Sir. We live in different states.

8. And your most serious injury you've had was....?

In high school, during cheerleading practice, i did a front flip into the splits on the ground and i heard and felt three pops and immediately had excruciating pain and had to have help getting up. A really nice guy who gave me a ride home from school every day and also gave me flowers sometimes was waiting until practice was over to take me home, so he came to my rescue and got me to the car. When i got home, my mom took me to the hospital. After x-rays, the doctor told me my hips were fused, and i braced myself for what horrible thing that meant, but then he told me it just meant that i was fully grown and not going to get any taller, so i breathed a big sigh of relief. But then he told me that i had torn ligaments in my right hip and would not be able to do cheerleading or gymnastics or any P.E. whatsoever for an entire year, and in the short term, i would not be able to use that leg at all and would have to use crutches. i was devastated. Gymnastics was my favorite thing, and i was good at it, so it broke my heart. Over that next year, i several times re-tore those ligaments trying to do a cartwheel or splits and had to start recovery all over again. i was never able to do the splits again after those ligaments finally healed and didn't tear anymore.

9. What is the most evil thing you've ever done?

Allowed my first baby to be aborted.

10. Give us some random fact about you.

i have laryngitis right now.

Wednesday Weirdness #50

2009-04-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

1.) What condiment goes best with french fries?

For me, it is ketchup.

2.) What condiment do you feel best represents your personality?

Mayonnaise--white and creamy.

3.) If the love of your life was a different religion from you, would you convert for them if they asked you to?

No, it's not really conversion unless it comes from inside you.

4.) What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?

i like grilled peanut butter sandwiches, so my answer is bread, butter and heat.

5.) If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

No, we should live each day as if it is our last anyway.

6.) If you could change your eye color to anything in the world you wanted, what would you change it to?

i'd keep my own. i like my eye color--sometimes blue, sometimes green.

7.) Are you more often the partner in crime or the good conscience with your friends and family?

i've always tended to be the goody-two-shoes in any group i've been a part of.

TMI Tuesday #181

2009-04-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

1. Have you ever had a sexual experience with the opposite sex?

Yes. (The creator of this week's questions says that this was supposed to read 'same sex' instead of 'opposite sex'. My answer to whether i have ever had a sexual experience with the same sex is 'no.')

2. When you see someone you like, how do you act, how do you get their attention?

It has been so long since that has happened, but i suppose i would just smile at them. i'm not very artful with these kinds of things. i'm a responder, not an initiator.

3. Dominate or dominated, which do you prefer?

Most definitely dominated.

4. Would you/ Have you ever had a threesome?

i was subjected to one once that was not completely consensual. i submitted because i was afraid it would happen anyway and be even more traumatic if i didn't submit to it. It was two men much bigger and stronger than i was. i was dating one of them and really liked and trusted him, and we were actually in the middle of sex when i noticed his friend had come into the room, and i kept asking the guy i was with to tell his friend to get out, but he just kept saying to let him watch. i started to realize what they had planned, and i felt really sick. i ended up just zoning out and don't have much of a memory of anything after that until i was safely away, and then i cried a lot. The one i had been dating actually called me the next day and wanted to get together. i told him he was crazy and that i never wanted to see him or his creepy friend ever again.

5. When was the last time you had sex?

With myself, a few days ago. With someone else, about 3 months ago, and that relationship was one big gigantic mistake. On top of everything else that was bad about it, the sex was the absolute worst ever.

6. Sex on the first date...good or bad?

Bad.

7. Do you have any random or out of the ordinary turn ons?

Facial and body hair on men, well, on my man; i'm not turned on when i see it on some random guy, but i like seeing it and feeling it on the man i am with. The smell of Drakkar Noir also has a potent effect on me. Being directed and dominated by the man i am with turns me on, whatever form it takes at any given time. And for some reason, being called 'baby' gets to me, too.

8. What attributes attract you to a potential partner.

Masculinity, intelligence, strength of character, dominance, voice, smile, humor.

Submissive Journal

2009-04-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

“A slave’s life is mostly composed of patience and study. Yes, study. If not with actual books, then following the example of greater, senior slaves. Or learning every nuance of their owner’s character, so that they can more completely and seamlessly offer themselves at the right time and in the right manner.” - Laura Antoniou

i do try to read all i can and learn as much as i can from others with more experience. Everyone i have met in this lifestyle so far i have met online, and they are generally very generous in sharing what they have learned.

i do my best to focus and listen attentively whenever Sir is talking to me in order to understand and remember everything He tells me. i love learning everything about Him that He shares with me. i also re-read emails and chats to absorb His words as thoroughly as possible.

Is focus something you strive for? Do you meditate or do other practices which allow you to focus?

my meditation is mostly in the form of reading the Scriptures and meditating on what i have read along with praying.

“I like looking feminine and I enjoy being a role model. I enjoy being a woman. It all comes down to having the confidence to be who you are.” - Cathy Freeman

i enjoy being and looking feminine. i stopped cutting my hair years ago, and so i have really long hair, which is rather unusual for my age group, but that is what i am most comfortable with. The main reason for that is because it sets me apart as a female and even sets me apart from other females. i also always wear dresses or skirts because i want to look and feel as womanly as possible.

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” -Mahatma Gandhi

i think this is very true. We can find our highest selves by doing what we can for others. In serving the One who owns me, i am more acutely aware of everything i say and do, not only because of how it reflects on Him, but because i am defined as being His, and in that, i feel elevated and magnified. And that self-awareness then recycles into more desire to serve Him.

“That which yields is not always weak.” - Jacqueline Carey — Kushiel’s Dart

i picture this in regard to trees and how the trees that survive yield to the wind, while those that don't can end up being uprooted or broken. There also is a spiritual principle that strength is made perfect in weakness, so strength can sometimes appear to be weakness or perhaps be clothed in weakness. The strength of the Master is made perfect in the 'weakness' of the slave because the yielding of the slave results in His strength expanding and also residing within her.

How polite are you? Where did you learn your social etiquette? What rules do you have in your relationship regarding p’s and q’s?

i try to be as polite as possible and treat people the way i want to be treated. i learned most of my social etiquette from my parents. The main etiquette-type rule in my relationship is for me to be respectful--to greet Him in a respectful way, to respond to Him in a respectful way, and there are some words and forms of speech that i know He doesn't like and has designated disrespectful, so i avoid those. It also displeases Him when i get too analytical and start sounding like a lawyer, so i avoid that as well.

When are you most aware of being owned/submissive?

Whenever i am interacting with Him, and that is when i most exult in it, too.

Sunday Stealing: Meme About Blogging

2009-04-05T13:56:00.000-07:00

1. How did you come up with your blog title OR what does it mean?

i thought it was a good play on words. 'd serves' is kind of like 'deserves', but serving is quite a bit different from deserving or entitlement. 'd' is the first letter of my name. The 'coming alive as His' part came from a song called Let It Rock, this part of the lyrics--

Because when I arrive
I, I bring the fire
Make you come alive
I can take you higher

Those lyrics reminded me of Sir and how i feel when He arrives. i get all excited and warm all over, more animated and even rather bouncy. In learning to please Him, i feel like the slave in me is coming alive and that He brings out the best in me, i.e. takes me higher.

2. What are your general goals for blogging?

i mainly just wanted to have a place to write when i felt like it and have fun with memes and whatever else occurs to me.

3. Do people “in your real life” know that you blog and do they comment on your blog OR is it largely anonymous?How often do you post (x per week)?

No. i stopped posting to my vanilla blog that friends and family knew about. This one is anonymous, at least i hope so. i try to post every day, but some days i miss and then catch up when i get back to it.

4. How often do you read other blogs (x per week)?

Probably 3-4 times a week.

5. How do you select blogs to read (do you prefer blogs that focus on certain topics or do you choose by tone or…?)

i look for BDSM lifestyle blogs, and i also visit the blogs of those who do the same memes that i do and discover blogs i enjoy that way, too.

6. Do you have any plans to copy your blog entries in any other format, 0r do you think that one day, you’ll just delete it all?

i imagine it will just float away into cyberspace one of these days.

7. What are the things you like best about blogging?

Being able to say whatever i want to.

8. What are the things you don’t like about blogging?

How sometimes simply because it is there i feel like i need to post something.

9. How do you handle comments?

i generally will visit the blogs of those who comment to try to get to know them better.

10. Do you have any burning thoughts to share on blog etiquette?

my blog etiquette is the same as in real life. i try to treat other bloggers the way i would want to be treated. i respect and appreciate that they have gone to the trouble to post something that i am able to read if i want to. If i don't like it, i certainly do not have to read it.

11. Any desired blog features?

i like being able to change themes when i feel like it, and i like to be notified of comments.

12. Have you suffered blog addiction?

i don't think so. i do enjoy reading blogs, but i also like reading other things, like books.

Saturday Six: Episode 260

2009-04-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

1. If money was tight, which of the following would you be most likely to give up: cable television, internet access or your cell phone?

i don't have cable, so satellite television is what i would give up.

2. Of that same list, which would be least willing to part with?

Internet access. Have to have that for my work.

3. Your car dies: the only car you can afford, without going into serious debt, is a demo model that doesn’t have working air conditioning or heat. Assuming that it cannot be fixed (or that you can’t afford the repair, could you get by with that car?

Yes, i have had to do it before, so i know it can be done.

4. If remote controls ceased to exist tomorrow, would you watch less television or about the same amount?

Probably about the same amount. i mostly just watch Lost, and lack of a remote would not stop me from doing that.

5. Take the quiz: What Remote Button Are You?

You Are Rewind

Compared to most people, you are nostalgic and sentimental.
You are drawn to the past. Your favorite things tend to be old things.

You like to replay events in your mind after they've happened.
You're the type of person who can watch a favorite movie over and over again.

What Remote Button Are You?

6. What percentage of mail that you send to friends and family is email versus snail mail? In a perfect world, which would you most prefer?

99% email/1% snail mail. i prefer email because it is faster and easier. Twitter is even faster and easier, that is when it is not over capacity or otherwise screwing up.

Friday 5: Food and Drink

2009-04-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

1. What is your favorite fizzy, bubbly drink?

My absolute favorite is vanilla creme soda, but i haven't been able to find a good diet version, so i usually end up drinking Diet Dr. Pepper IF i have a fizzy, bubbly drink, which i hardly ever do these days.

2. What is your favorite deep-fried food?

Cheese balls--crispy outer coating with melted cheese inside--so yummy!

3. What is your favorite hot beverage?

Hot cocoa. i don't drink coffee, and i like my tea iced.

4. What is your favorite really messy food?

Ribs smothered in BBQ sauce.

5. What is your favorite recipe for a blended or mixed beverage?

Vanilla ice cream, Hershey's syrup and milk=Chocolate milkshake.

(By the way, the only thing in this list that is allowed on my diet is the ribs, only without the BBQ sauce, but i am okay with that since i like the weight loss more than any food or drink.)

Thursday Thunks: April Fools, Non-Reality, Cracking Your Knuckles, And Other Off The Wall Questions

2009-04-02T16:36:00.000-07:00

1. Did you play any April Fools jokes on anyone or have a joke played on you?

No, not my thing, and my kids know better.

2. If you could be on any non-reality TV show as a guest star or star, which one would it be and why?

A complete no-brainer for anyone who knows me--Lost--on the chance i might be able to do a hot scene with Sawyer (aka James), although i would gladly settle for Richard, Desmond, Sayid, John, Christian or Hurley. Even Ben. Just not Jack. Well, okay, even Jack.

3. Do you crack your knuckles?

No, and i do not want to even try. i don't even like it when people do it around me.

4. If you remember your first day of kindergarten, were you scared or excited? If you have kids or grandkids, were they scared or excited?

i was excited to finally be getting to go to school. i don't remember any of my kids being scared, so they must have been excited, too.

5. If you are in the shower, hear the fire alarm going off and smell smoke/see flames, will you just run out of the house with a towel on or grab some clothes & dress as you run out?

Since i'd be taking a shower, likely my robe would be nearby, so i would probably be able to grab that as i ran out of the bathroom to locate my children first and foremost. Only after i made sure they were out safely would i worry about how covered or uncovered i was. Hopefully a neighbor would bring me a blanket or something if i needed more covering.

6. Last week the Thursday Thunkers asked about your Daddy (twice), so this week tell us a little about your Mom.

She is dead, and she left a mystery behind. Because of that, i sometimes feel like i never really knew her, and that almost makes me sadder than the fact that she is gone.

7. Which search engine do you use most often?

Google.

8. Did you participate in Earth Hour?

No. i'm pretty sure i was watching Lost.

9. What was the last new-to-you movie you watched? Was it in the theater or on DVD? Was it good?

i think it was Hancock, and i saw it on DVD. i thought it was good. i really enjoyed it.

10. If you do something embarrassing, do you laugh it off, or sit & worry about it?

Oh, for heaven's sake, if you're living, you're going to end up doing embarrassing things, and you have to learn to laugh at yourself. What a waste of time it would be to sit and brood about such things. Not only do i laugh about it when i do embarrassing things, i even tell others about it so they can laugh, too.

11. Where is your favorite spot in your home to sit & relax?

It used to be a recliner in the sectional in the family room, but since i have been single it has been sitting on my bed. In thinking of the answer to this question, i was trying to figure out why i stopped sitting in that recliner and actually have had kind of an aversion to it. In fact, i even avoid going into that room. It finally hit me that that was where my abusive ex-husband last attacked me--cornered in that recliner. No wonder i've never sat in it again.

Wednesday Weirdness #49

2009-04-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

1. Is April 1st a fun day, or an annoyance?

An annoyance.

2. What is the best prank you ever pulled or had pulled on you?

Probably when someone jumped out and scared me. That's happened a lot. Apparently people like to hear me scream. i can't remember ever pulling a prank on anyone. i'm too transparent to be effective.

3. What do you think is the most underrated sexual act?

Man-on-top missionary position, still my favorite.

4. What is your favorite website?

Google. It helps me find all the other websites.

5. What is the most annoying commercial on the air right now?

i don't see many because i don't watch TV very often, and when i do, it has been recorded, so i fast-forward through the commercials, but i remember seeing some commercials a couple months ago that were super irritating. There were animated line drawings and what sounded like someone talking on a staticky phone connection saying a bunch of crap that mostly was unintelligible, and what words could be made out made no sense. i never even knew what that stupid commercial was for.

6. If you were going to create a porn movie, please describe the title, premise and 1st sex scene.

Oh gosh, i guess i would have to call it 'Real Boobs, Real Orgasms', and the premise would be that the women actually have real boobs and real orgasms. i haven't seen any porn movies in a while, but what i most remember was how fake the women's boobs and orgasms were. For the first scene, i would try to get a real-life couple who are comfortable and experienced with having sex with each other and then just let them do their thing. There would be a focus on how the woman's natural boobs move naturally instead of the lack of movement and/or weird line and plastic ripply look of fake boobs when there is some movement. There would also be a focus on the physiological indications that the woman is actually for-real cumming. And most of all, she would NOT look at the camera with her tongue licking her lips trying to look sexy. If she was really truly cumming, that is what would be sexy.

TMI Tuesday #180

2009-03-31T12:39:00.000-07:00

1. Have you ever sent or received a sext message?

No, i don't even have a cell phone.

2. Have you ever made or received a booty call?

No, unless you count getting one from a husband.

3. Have you ever added or edited a word/entry to Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary or any other online reference?

i once corrected an incorrect Scripture reference in a Wikipedia article. Can't remember what the article was about, though.

4. At what age did you have your first consensual sexual experience?

At 13 with an 18-year-old i thought i was going to marry, but that never happened. And my first husband was still verbally bludgeoning me about that (him not being the first) 17 years later and also told our children about it during the divorce to try to prove what a 'slut' i was. He even used the fact that i had had sex with him before we got married to try to convince them how awful i was and to try to turn them against me. What an asswipe.

5. What has been the greatest age difference between you a consensual sexual partner?

i was 32, he was 21, so 11 years difference.

Submissive Journal

2009-03-30T11:41:00.000-07:00

Write down three things you didn't do because you were afraid. What could have changed in your life had you done them?

1. The night before i was to be married the first time, i had cold feet and tried to back out. My fiance was panicked, and after several hours, he talked me into going through with it, but even the next day, i kept feeling like i was making a mistake, but i was afraid to let him down as well as everyone else expecting the marriage to happen. If i had stood my ground, i might have gone to college instead and become a medical researcher and perhaps married someone more suitable later on.

2. When i became pregnant the first time, i had an abortion because i was afraid. i was married and very much wanted the baby, but i had contracted rubella (German measles) during the first trimester, and i was told by several doctors that there was a 95% chance that the baby would be born blind, deaf and mentally retarded with a heart defect. i still wanted to have the baby, but everyone kept telling me that the abortion was the right thing to do for the baby. i was very young, and i was afraid to stand up to all the older and wiser doctors and family. my husband was no help. All he would say was, "It's your body." But it was our baby! i felt very abandoned by him during that time, and ultimately that factored into the demise of that marriage. If he or even just one other person had told me that they would stand by me and be a support system if the baby turned out to be handicapped, then i would have had the courage and strength not to go through with the abortion, but i was too afraid that if the baby was born so severely handicapped, my husband would leave me and everyone would be saying 'I told you so' instead of being there for the baby and me. i have always grieved for that baby, and through the years, that husband, upon finding me grieving, would remark, "Why do you keep doing that to yourself?" as if i had any control over my feelings of loss or as if my sorrow was not valid. If i had not had the abortion, i would have had another son, and maybe he would have been healthy and fine, and even if he wasn't, he still would have been precious to me.

3. There were many times i should have left my second husband, but did not because i was afraid of going through another divorce and of having my younger children go through a divorce and aftermath. What i had learned from my first divorce is that as bad as it was, it got worse during and after the divorce. He became much more vicious as an ex-husband than he ever was as a husband. So, even though my second husband was abusive, i thought he would be worse if i made him an ex-husband, as had happened before. Had i left him the first time i definitely should have, my two youngest children would never have been born, but if i had left him after my youngest was born, i would have at least been that much younger starting over and would have had fewer years spent in the misery of that marriage. i finally did leave him for good several months ago, and as it turns out, the children had been wanting me to do that pretty much all their lives, again making it clear that i should have done it long ago. All of us would have had better, happier lives.

Sunday Stealing: The Ginormous Meme

2009-03-29T18:04:00.000-07:00

1. Are you single?

Yes.

2. Are your parents still married?

No. They divorced when i was very young.

3. Are you in love?

i could be.

4. Do you believe in love at first sight?

No. Attraction at first sight, yes, but love requires actually knowing someone.

5. Who ended your last relationship?

i did.

6. Have you ever been hurt by a break up?

Yes, probably by every single one. Being that close to someone and then having that end is always a loss even if it is the best thing to do.

7. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i have no idea. When i break up with someone, i walk away. i don't talk to them about the relationship or 'us' anymore because it is over.

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Possibly, but how would i know if it is a secret?

9. Prefer love or lust?

There was a time when i was only interested in lust because i didn't ever want to go down the love road again, but eventually i missed being in love and wanted to experience that again, so then i became more interested in love (with a heavy lust component, of course!).

10. Prefer a few best friends or many regular friends?

i don't know why i can't have both! it is quite natural when having many friends for a few of those to be best friends.

11. Wild night out or romantic night in?

Romantic night in.

12. Back in the day: Been caught sneaking out?

No, i never got caught.

13. Ever wanted something/someone so badly it hurt?

Yes, i have. Longing eventually becomes like an ache.

14. Ever wanted to disappear?

Run away, yes. Disappear, no.

15. First attraction: Smile or eyes?

Smile.

16. Prefer intelligence or attraction?

Intelligence IS an attraction!

17. Last phone call you received?

From Sir :)

18. Last thing you drank?

Water.

19. Before your current one, when was your last relationship?

my last relationship began and ended in December.

20. Do you and your family get along?

Yes. i love my family, and they love me.

21. Would you say you have a "screwed up life"?

i have had a lot of difficulties in my life, but i wouldn't say it is "screwed-up". Overcoming difficulties is just part of life. Few people live charmed lives.

22. Have you ever gotten kicked out somewhere? If yes, do tell.

The only place i can recall is a PalTalk chatroom, and i never even knew why. i never said a word. Maybe that was why?

23. Do you trust all your friends?

No.

24. Who knows the most about you?

That's a hard one, but it is probably my sister.

Simply Snickers

2009-03-28T17:03:00.000-07:00

while her Master was away it was hard to say what most she would miss His hand or His kiss so hard to be sure the marvel that both were (prompt words: marvel, master, miss)

Friday 5: Turning

2009-03-27T15:36:00.000-07:00

1. To whom do you normally turn when you need to complain about something?

Either my sister or my best friend.

2. Which annual season-turning do you enjoy the most?

Winter to Spring, even though that is very brief, and then it's blazing hot, but Spring is my favorite season.

3. Where can you get a really good turnover?

i think if i made some.

4. What’s employee turnover like where you work?

We don't have very much turnover. People tend to stay. i've worked for the same company for 17 years.

5. One of the Wonder Twins could turn into any form of water, while the other could turn into any animal. Which of these powers would be more useful to you?

Water seems too vulnerable. It seems like animals would have more chance to defend themselves, and i think being able to defend myself would be more useful. It also sounds more fun with much more varieties to try out.

Thursday Thunks

2009-03-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. What is your favorite type of soda (if you drink soda)?

Diet Dr. Pepper. It used to be Diet Coke, but for some reason i gravitated to Dr. Pepper. Even if sugar is not a concern, i still like the taste of diet sodas better than the regular ones.

2. Do you believe in astrology? If so, what does your sign say about you?

No, not at all.

3. Who is John Galt?

A character in Atlas Shrugged. (Okay, i confess i googled it.)

4. What is the last thing you do before you go to sleep at night?

Read until the book falls onto my face.

5. Who's your Daddy?

my Sir, also known on this blog as A.

6. Jelly beans or Jelly Bellies?

Without a doubt Jelly Bellies!

7. What do you think about yellow cars? Why do car manufacturer actually make yellow cars?

Yellow is not a color i would choose for a car. i'm guessing that the manufacturers make them because somebody buys them. i do see them on the road, so someone must like them enough to buy them. Also, i would never choose one of those cars that looks like a box or a toaster. As baffled as i am that someone actually came up with that design, i'm even more baffled that people buy them.

8. Holding on or Letting go?

Depends upon what it is you're contemplating holding on to or letting go of. If you're dangling from a rope over a deep chasm, i would advise holding on. If you're trying to hold on to someone who wants to leave, i'd advise letting go.

9. What kind of underwear, if any, do you wear?

Panties, unless i'm just staying home, in which case i usually don't wear any underthings.

10. Who is your daddy and what does he do?

i thought we already had the Who's Your Daddy? question! mine encourages me, holds me accountable, explains things to me that i don't understand, admires my tits and my smile, turns me on, reassures me, inspires me, motivates me, excites me and, oh yeah, he has a day job, too.

11. Spring - is it here yet??

i suppose it is, although it is not as warm as i would like it to be.

12. Does Google Streetview scare you?

No, my house doesn't show up on that.

13. What is your favorite brand of ice cream?

Ben & Jerry's.

14. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

15. Do you ever get tired of your everyday routine?

Every day.

16. What inspires you?

Strong and courageous people.

17. It’s springtime-do you spend more time outdoors?

Yes, it is much more pleasant now. Just looking out the window makes me want to go outside. i hate that i have to be stuck inside so much.

18. When do you think Bud will let us see the DVD of him and the french twins?

Is there a pool for this, and what is the prize? Put me down for 30 days from now.

19. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you, and why?

That is a tough one. Where i live is not nearly as important as with whom i live. Of the places i have lived so far, i enjoyed the California coast the most. i loved having the beach only a short walk away. There are places i would like to visit, but until i visit them, it would be difficult to know whether i'd want to actually live there or not. Again, for me people are more important than places.

20. Why do you blog?

i thought it would be a nice way to say what's on my mind, but i haven't had much time for that, so i've mostly been doing memes, which i think are fun. i also like reading other people's answers to the same meme, and i really enjoy reading other people's blogs.

21. What are electrolytes and why are they good for us?

Electrolytes enable the basic metabolic function of the body and include sodium, potassium, chloride and bicarbonate. For proper functioning, they need to be in balance. If you ever have blood work done, nearly always these levels are checked. (i did not need to google this; i actually knew this.)

22. Do you twitter? Why or why not?

Yes, i do twitter, and i do so because it can be a lot of fun plus it is so convenient. i wish everyone i knew would get on Twitter so that i could quickly and easily message anybody and everybody whenever i had an inkling to.

23. What did you dream last night?

All i remember is a big leather-covered steamer trunk and a map of Argentina.

24. What is the strangest thing you've eaten?

i have managed to avoid eating strange things for 50 years. i cannot think of anything out of the ordinary that i have ever eaten. i won't even eat mushrooms.

25. What was the last picture that you took?

Pictures of my bedroom for Sir. i was required to take 'before' pictures, then clean the room and then take 'after' pictures.

26. What is your favorite part of spring?

Daffodils. i've always loved daffodils. (Yellow is a good color for flowers, if not for cars.) i actually crocheted an afghan with three-dimensional daffodils on a green background.

27. What is one thing that you did this past week that no one knows about?

Oh gosh, i NEVER have that much privacy! Someone always knows what i'm doing. Plus, i routinely self-disclose on Twitter.

28. What kind of bandages do you typically have in your household?

Band-Aids, gauze, bandage tape.

Wednesday Weirdness #48

2009-03-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

1.) What is your significant other's worst habit?

Not giving me enough attention sometimes. i crave His attention.

2.) What piece of clothing that isn't lingerie or an undergarment do you have that you feel especially sexy/handsome in?

There is a top i liked so much that i got it in three different colors. It's old-fashioned looking and laces up the front from bottom to top with ribbon, and a portion of the sleeves laces up with ribbons, too. i think it's a really pretty feminine look.

3.) If you could drink ONLY two beverages for the rest of your life, which would you pick?

Water and iced tea.

4.) What is your worst habit?

Procrastination. i gave this same answer on another meme the other day, but on that one i think the question was about my worst character flaw. It is also a bad habit. i think it can be overcome as long as i don't put off working on it (a little joke there).

5.) Are you superstitious in any way?

No. There are times when i have thought i was cursed, though, but i don't think that's superstition.

6.) What kind of shopping do you hate doing most? (Grocery shopping, clothes shopping, shoe shopping, etc)

All of the above. Shopping is not a fun activity for me. i like to get in, get it done and get out as quickly as possible. There are a lot more fun and interesting things to do.

7.) What was a “fad” you remember from your childhood?

The Wheel-O. i loved that thing. i even came across one in recent years and still loved it. But my kids managed to wreck it. i don't think the newer version was as sturdy as the original. Other fads i remember enjoying are:

Chinese jump ropes
Klackers (big acrylic balls on string that got banned from school for being dangerous)
Slam books (those were great--pre-blogosphere memes!)
Mini skirts
Go-go boots
Granny dresses and granny coats
Peasant blouses (these seem to be making a come-back, and i'm happy about it)

TMI Tuesday #179

2009-03-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

1. Ever Googled a date, a potential date or an ex?

i googled an ex once. i didn't find him, but i found a whole bunch of stuff about his brother, who is in politics.

2. Do you gossip?

i do sometimes before i realize i'm doing it, and then i stop, but most of the time i avoid it in the first place.

3. How many people do you completely trust?

i don't think there is anyone i trust fully and completely. But i have learned to be open and vulnerable in spite of that, knowing that i could be betrayed at any time. We have to take risks in all kinds of relationships if we want to have healthy connections with others.

4. Have you ever had sex in a car?

Yes, and it is not the best place for it unless maybe you have a van with a bed in the back.

5. What is your best flirting technique: innuendo, telling a dirty joke, talking about sex life, or physical contact?

i don't think i consciously flirt. i enjoy being friendly and am genuinely interested in a person i am attracted to, so i just go with my feelings. i may do any and all of those things listed in the question in that context without really thinking about it.

Bonus (as in optional): How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period?

Oh gosh, it's hard to remember an exact number. i think it was probably something like 4 or 5 times within 24 hours.

Sunday Stealing: The Family Meme

2009-03-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

I interviewed each of my children separately, and here are their answers. [My commentary is in brackets.]

N=9-year-old son
B=14-year-old son
H=15-year-old daughter
D=20-year-old daughter

1. What is something your mom always says to you?

N: "Put your belt on."
B: "Pull your pants up."
H: "Something about A." [A is my Sir.]
D: "Wait--give me my good-bye kiss!"

2. What makes your mom happy?

N: "Me cleaning?"
B: "A."
H: "Knitting."
D: "Hanging out with her kids."

3. What makes your mom sad?

N: "Sad movies."
B: "Someone dying."
H: "Disrespectful children."
D: "When we're sad."

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

N: "When she yells at B."
B: "Just being there." [i'm sure he means that having me around is more fun than a barrel of monkeys.]
H: "By going on about boys like I do."
D: "When we talk about boys."

5. What was your mom like as a child?'

N: "I don't know. I don't remember."
B: "I didn't know her as a child."
H: "Hot."
D: "She was smart."

6. How old is your mom?

N: "45."
B: "50."
H: "50."
D: "51, no 50."

7. How tall is your mom?

N: "3 feet...I don't know...5 feet."
B: "Shorter than me, like 5'4"."
H: "Like 5'5"."
D: "5'6"."

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

N: "Do stuff on the computer."
B: "Chill on the computer."
H: "Surf the web."
D: "Talk to A."

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?

N: "I don't know! How do I know?"
B: "Oh-ho! I don't know. Don't wanna know."
H: "Talks to A."
D: "Everything."

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

N: "Being a rock star."
B: "For being the mother of me."
H: "Something to do with her religion, I guess, I don't know."
D: "Probably her crafts."

11. What is your mom really good at?

N: "Knitting."
B: "Knitting and what-not."
H: "Crafts."
D: "Crafts and typing and singing."

12. What is your mom not very good at?

N: "Wrestling."
B: "Video games."
H: "Nothing."
D: "Driving at night."

13. What is your mom's favorite food?

N: "Chili Spaghetti."
B: "Some form of chicken, I suppose."
H: "Chocolate."
D: "Hungarian Goulash."

14. What makes you proud of your mom?

N: "That she takes care of me."
B: "Raising me."
H: "She's a genius."
D: "How she is an independent woman."

15. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

N: "Wanda on Fairly Odd Parents."
B: "I have no clue. I don't watch cartoons."
H: "Miss Piggy from The Muppets."
D: "Marge Simpson."

16. What do you and your mom do together?

N: "Watch TV sometimes."
B: "Talk."
H: "Go on trips."
D: "We talk about boys."

17. How are you and your mom the same?

N: "We have freckles I guess."
B: "Same DNA."
H: "We look alike."
D: "We're girly girls."

18. How are you and your mom different?

N: "'Cause she's older."
B: "A lot of ways, like I have a penis."
H: "I'm athletic and kind of tomboyish, and she's a girly girl."
D: "I have short hair, and she has long hair."

19. How do you know your mom loves you?

N: "'Cause she tells me."
B: "She raised me. There's a lot of ways, but that's the main way."
H: "She says it."
D: "Because she tells us and she just does."

20. What does your mom like most about your dad?

N: "Nothing."
B: "Nothing."
H: "Nothing...the child support check."
D: "She likes his looks." [She has a different dad than the others, but i haven't seen him in years, so don't know what he looks like now. i did like both men's looks, though, at their respective times in my life, else i wouldn't have had children with them.]

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

N: "Internet."
B: "California."
H: "My grandma's house."
D: "Wienerschnitzel."

Submissive Journal

2009-03-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

How does your owner expect you to communicate when you are angry/upset?

i believe the most important part of communicating those types of feelings is to be respectful when addressing Him about it.

Secondly, i need to be sure i do it. i need to be completely transparent with my feelings and not hide anything from Him or keep things in. i need to open up to Him completely so that i am completely His. If i keep things from Him, then i am keeping a part of myself to myself, which is withholding and not submitting or surrendering my all to Him. He wants to own me inside and out (and i want Him to!), so the inside has to be completely revealed to Him for that to be.

Since we do not live together, timing is not very crucial, and i can email what i am feeling as i am feeling it, and He can read it when He wants to and address it or not as He wishes at His convenience.

The Friday Five-Stranded

2009-03-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

Stranded!

It's the "stranded on a desert island" question! You can only take one thing from each category. What is it and why are you taking it?

A food that can be planted and regrown.

i would want oranges because they are nice and juicy and yummy, plus they prevent scurvy.

A person you haven't seen in a long time.

My oldest son because he can do all kinds of manly things, like build fires and shelters, hunt and skin animals to eat, kill scary bugs and all that good stuff.

A book you (were) read as a child.

The Bible because it is inspirational and reassuring.

A celebrity.

Sean Connery, and do i really need to say why?

The entire episode run of a television show (it's a very nice desert island).

No brainer here--Lost--what could be more perfect?

Thursday Thunks

2009-03-19T13:28:00.001-07:00

1. The last flight of stairs you walked up/down - were they carpeted?

The last time i climbed enough stairs to qualify as a "flight" was in a parking garage, so no carpeting, just bare concrete.

2. Green or purple grapes?

i don't remember ever eating a grape. i like mine in liquid form. Based on appearance, though, i prefer purple.

3. Do you like Peeps?

No, they're not kosher.

4. The smell of Vicks - like it?

Ordinarily, no, but if i'm congested, i like it.

5. Do you put decorative cling-ons on your windows for different holidays?

No.

6. Finish the sentence - I spent too much money on ________ .

Yarn. It used to be a toss-up between books and yarn, but these days i look for books i want to read at the library first, and the library has had most of them so that i rarely have to purchase any. Unfortunately, borrowing does not work very well for yarn usage.

7. Which celebrity should be flown into outer space or placed on a desert island?

The ever disgusting O.J. Simpson.

8. Would you support schools changing the "open" time? Such as 10am - 5pm, for example?

Probably not. i like it the way it is.

9. Do you go fishing?'

i haven't gone fishing in a loooooooooong time, but i think i would remember how if i did.

10. What question should we ask next week?

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Wednesday Weirdness #47

2009-03-18T18:34:00.000-07:00

1.) In your opinion, what is your biggest character flaw?

Procrastination.

2.) What do you think is one of the worst television shows ever created?

The field is just far too vast to pick just one. Soap operas alone are a whole huge category of worst.

3.) Have you ever ended up injured after trying an interesting new sex position?

i don't recall that ever happening. Maybe i haven't tried anything new and interesting enough.

4.) How crucial do you think communication is between you and a regular sexual partner? Do you talk often about what works, what doesn't, things you want to try, etc or do you keep the discussions to a minimal and let the physical flow as it may?

Due to my former husband's disinterest and tendency to hostility, i became accustomed to not communicating, so i am trying to get out of the habit of keeping things to myself because i do think communication is crucial and not just about sexual things. Sometimes it is nice just to go with the flow, too, as long as nothing crucial is being ignored.

5.) Who are your favorite comedic actors/actresses?

Albert Brooks, Shirley MacLaine

6.) In what way(s) do you wish your childhood was different?

i used to think of things like how i might have been better off if my parents had never divorced or if i had always lived with my dad, but in looking back, i remember having a mostly happy childhood, so i don't have any real wish to change anything.

7.) Cotton Candy; Delicious treat or disgusting mess?

The last time i remember having it, i thought it was delicious--spun sugar, how could it not be?

TMI Tuesday #178

2009-03-17T18:19:00.000-07:00

1. Don't tell us what it is, but do you have a sexual secret you have never told anyone?

No, i'm pretty sure all has been told.

2. Do you have a nonsexual secret you have never told anyone?

Again, no. i tend to be an open book, at least with people i trust.

3. Did you ever tell someone a secret only to have them spill it? What were the repercussions?

Someone probably did somewhere along the way, but i don't remember anything specific, so the repercussions must not have been a big deal.

4. Did you ever spill a secret someone told you? What were the repercussions?

i probably have done this, too, but again, i don't remember, so it must not have caused any big problems, or i think i would remember. i try to keep private things private, especially if someone asks me to.

5. Tell us a secret someone told you, however along ago, that you've never told. (You can disguise name or details)

The only thing i can think of right now is that someone confided in me that they smoke pot.

Microfantasy Monday--Green

2009-03-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

After all the tedious posing for the wedding pictures, the photographer finally dismissed us. While the rest of the wedding party made their way directly to the lakeshore reception site, where all the guests were already waiting for the bride and groom to arrive, i decided to take the more meandering path through the evergreen trees that encircled the lake. i was disappointed that His flight had been delayed and He had not been able to make it to the wedding.

At least the pictures were going to turn out lovely. My sister, the bride, was breathtakingly beautiful, more so than most brides, i thought. And she had been very gracious to choose my maid-of-honor gown in a flattering jade that made the most of my green eyes. Also carefully chosen was the head wreath fashioned of greenery and baby's breath that did not complete with my fiery red hair, which was hanging loose down my back.

As i was thinking that it was time for me to start heading back to the reception, i was grabbed from behind, and just as my brain registered the tight grip of hands clamped around my breasts, i heard "you're MINE" growled into my ear. i thought of spinning around to kiss Him, but instead i relaxed and melted back into Him, so happy to finally be held in His hands, savoring the heat of His body against mine and the warmth of His breath against my ear. Luxuriating in being surrounded by Him, i waited for whatever was going to happen next, knowing that He would tell me.

What Turns Me On

2009-03-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

i was recently involved in a discussion regarding various BDSM activities where people were discussing their favorites, and i was explaining that what i eventually came to realize was that it was not any particular activity that was such a turn-on to me. It is more about the man than anything else. i am attracted to dominant men who like to do those kinds of things, so that is why those things turn me on.

That's why i have such a hard time filling out preference lists where you're supposed to pick out your favorite things to do sexually and BDSM-wise. i like these things to be directed by the man i am with, so it is really his preferences that matter. If it is important to him, it is important to me because he is important to me.

To me, it's just part of loving such a man--submitting to his desires because fulfilling his desires is my desire.

Sunday Stealing: A High School Meme

2009-03-14T23:41:00.000-07:00

1. Did you date someone from your school?

Yes, a few guys, none seriously, though.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?

No.

3. Did you car pool to school?

i usually got rides from friends who had cars, and then after i was engaged, my fiance took me to school every morning before he went to work.

4. What kind of car did you have?

i never had my own car in high school. i graduated right after i got my license at 16.

5. What kind of car do you have now?

one that needs to be washed.

6. Its Friday night...where are you now?

At home with my children usually.

7. It is Friday night...where were you then?

Out having fun with my friends or on a date.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?

i was a dental assistant and secretary.

9. What kind of job do you do now?

i am an editor.

10. Were you a party animal?

Not really.

11. Were you considered a flirt?

Only until i got engaged, and then i wasn't allowed to.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?

Yes, all of them.

13. Were you a nerd?

Definitely not. i was one of the popular cool kids.

14. Did you get suspended from school?

No.

15. Can you sing the fight song?

i am embarassed to say that yes, i can remember it well enough to sing it.

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher?

My business teacher.

17. Where did you sit during lunch?

Out on the field.

18. What was your school's full name?

i don't want to reveal that much identifying information lest my children ever come across this blog. :)

19. Where did you party the most?

At the beach.

20. What was your school mascot?

Some guy riding a horse.

21. Would you do it again?

Would i do what again--high school? No, thank you.

22. Did you have fun at Prom?

i never went to prom. my fiance was not a student and thus couldn't go, and he would not let me go with anyone else.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?

See above.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?

Wow, just realized it is the 35-year reunion this year! i probably won't go. i haven't been to any of them.

25. Do you still talk to people from school?

Not from high school. i have some friends from elementary and junior high that i keep in touch with, though.

26. What are/were your high school's colors?

Blue and gold.

Simply Snickers

2009-03-14T21:36:00.000-07:00

i wanted to linger close to His side

finally He said, "you may abide"

so much revealed in His eyes

neither did He desire good-byes

the look we shared held so much

and even more the power of His touch

as my skin began to burn

i knew there was yet still more to learn

(prompt words: learn, linger, look)

The Stolen Sex Meme

2009-03-13T16:34:00.000-07:00

Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?

All of the above.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?

i sleep all over the bed these days since i'm usually the only occupant.

Do you masturbate?

Yes.

How often? Lately?

Four or five times a week i think, and lately, in the last couple of days.

Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?

No, never have.

Do you prefer showers or baths?

Baths. Love baths.

Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?

Yes.

Do you watch/read pornography?

Occasionally. Prefer erotica. Read one of my favorites here.

Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?

AGGRESSIVE.....please!!!!!!

Would you choose love or money?

Love.

Your top three favorite kinks in bed?

Bondage, spanking, flogging.

Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?

Yes, former husband gave me STDs during the marriage, and i consider that assault. (Thankfully they were curable.)

Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?

Outside under the stars.

Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?

It's probably not that weird--a car.

Have you ever been caught having sex?

No.

Have you ever been to a strip club?

No.

Ever been to a bar just to get sex?

No.

Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?

No.

Ever been picked up in a bar?

Yes.

Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?

No.

What's your sexuality?

Submissive heterosexual.

Had sex in a movie theater?

No.

Had sex in a bathroom?

Yes. In addition to the bath and shower, also the countertop.

Have you ever had sex at work?

No.

Have you ever been in an "adult" store?

Yes.

Bought something from an adult store?

Yes.

Do you own any sex toys?

Yes.

If yes, how many and what are they?

Various vibrators and attachments, dildo, vibrating nipple clamps, handcuffs, wrist and ankle cuffs with restraints, floggers.

Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?

Hopefully all has been destroyed.

Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?

No.

Have you ever had phone sex?

Yes. Prefer real sex.

Have you ever had cyber sex?

Ditto.

Do you think oral sex constitutes a form of intercourse?

It's definitely sex, if not intercourse, else why call it oral sex?

What's your favorite sexual position?

Man-on-top missionary.

What's your favorite sex act?

Same as above.

Friday 5--It's Cold!

2009-03-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. What’s your favorite frozen heat-and-eat food?

Chicken pot pie.

2. How sensitive are you to cool temperatures?

Very. i prefer warm or even hot and even blazing hot to cold. i do not like being cold.

3. How many ice-cube trays are there in your freezer?

13.

4. What aspect of your life seems to be frozen in place?

my knitting and crocheting projects. Not much has been happening there in recent months. Everything else is moving along pretty well, though.

5. What’s your favorite blanket like?

It is a 100% down comforter/duvet that my mother gave me many years ago. She also made the dark blue cover for it. It never fails to keep me warm no matter how cold it gets. In warmer weather, my favorites are the quilts my grandmother made for me.

The Divorce Papers

2009-03-12T15:40:00.000-07:00

i started working on my divorce papers several months ago, less than a month after i ran away from my abusive former husband. Even though from my perspective (and probably from his, too) he stopped being my husband long ago, i still have to go through this horrible state divorce because i foolishly obtained a state marriage license when i married him.

i could not afford an attorney, but i did qualify for legal aid, which in my county (poor and short-staffed) means i was able to attend a 2-hour class to learn how to fill out the divorce papers. i did start filling them out, but i didn't get very far before life as a single mom intruded.

The series of crises seemed never ending. The house and the appliances and the car and the weather all seemed determined to make our lives miserable and extremely costly. When the washer died, we had to spend $20 a week washing clothes (just for washing, not drying!) at the nearest laundromat an hour away. We endured months without hot water before the broken water heater could be replaced. When the car broke down, the cost to repair it was half of its Kelly Blue Book value. We went through two blizzards and the rest of the winter without being able to heat the house. It seemed i was always having to take care of some emergency, so the divorce papers kept getting set aside while more urgent things were dealt with.

One of the things A has brought into my life is structure (did i mention i am crazy about Him?). He helped me to focus on the divorce papers, break the project down into manageable parts and address each step that needed to be done. As a result, in a couple of weeks the papers were finally ready to be filed.

i need to insert here that in addition to all the other pressing matters that made getting the divorce papers finished so difficult, there was also a procrastination and aversion factor. i was so happy to be free from my former husband that i just could not stand the thought of having to engage or interact with him in any way, much less have to be in the same room with him at the courthouse. But ultimately my desire to get the whole mess over with and my desire to do a good job on the tasks that A set for me so he would be proud of me overcame the aversion.

So, down to the courthouse i went, so excited to finally be filing for the divorce, only to discover that the case could not yet be filed because i was submitting an application to defer the court fees, which the judge had to rule on first. While this was disappointing, i could see that it was a necessary step in the procedure, so i went home and waited for them to call me and let me know when the judge had ruled on my application.

When i went back, i was told that my application was denied because i hadn't included the former husband's income on the application. i felt myself starting to tear up at this news, but i remembered what A told me when i was disappointed on the first trip to the courthouse--that as long as i handled myself well, represented Him well and my actions and responses reflected well on Him, then He was proud of me--and then i was able to take a deep breath and not cry. i still thought i might cry when i got back to the car, though, but i didn't.

Now, i must state here that on that line of the application, it says, "Spouse's income (if available to me)", and i have had no access to the former husband's income since the separation months ago. i showed this to the clerk, but it didn't make any difference, so i had to pay court fees of over $300 to get the case filed.

my third disappointment came when the clerk told me that there would be no hearing scheduled until after we have been to mediation, so it looks like this state divorce is going to take longer than i thought, plus i still hate the thought of being in the same room with him. i tried very hard to make my petition as equitable as possible so that hopefully he will not contest. Before i filed, i even wrote to him and asked him if he wanted to file for an uncontested divorce together, but he just sent a nasty letter back and didn't even answer the question. It was his usual raging, except it was on paper.

So, now i wait to see if he accepts service of the papers before anything else can happen on the case.

Thursday Thunks

2009-03-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. You are walking down the road and you look down. There is a bug. Do you step on it?

No. i figure i'm walking down the road for a reason, so i'd rather just keep walking than to bother with a bug.

2. What is one fantasy that you want to come true more than any other?

Spending the rest of my life with A, belonging to Him, being His most precious possession, serving Him with all of my being.

3. Someone knocks on your door. Do you look out the window to see who it is before you open it? Do you open it regardless of who it is?

i always check to see who it is first. Sometimes i don't know the person, but as long as they look harmless, i go ahead and open it. Maybe i need to rethink that and ask what they want first, but even then, you never know. When i lived in the big city, i kept a weapon on top of a picture frame by the front door, but i have never thought to do that since i've been living in the middle of nowhere. Maybe it's more important to do that here. The weapon i used to have on standby? A rotary cutter used for cutting fabric. Those things are fierce and don't look like a weapon until you've done some heavy-duty slashing on your attacker (or at least that's always been my hope). i also used to carry one in my purse when i had to walk to my car after working until 2 in the morning. Again, that was in the big city, but thankfully i never had to use it and get some creep's blood all over me.

4. Have you ever eaten Play Doh?

As a child i touched my tongue to it and discovered it was extremely salty and icky, so i never tried to eat it.

5. What was your favorite Saturday morning cartoon as a child and why?

Roadrunner. i liked to see the different ways Wile E. Coyote's plans would backfire on him.

6. Are you a "people watcher"?

Yes, whenever i need to sit down for a while at a place like Disneyland or a mall, i enjoy watching all the people walking by. But i only bother with that if i need to sit down; otherwise i'd rather just get the shopping done or go on to the next attraction.

7. I have a bowl of fruit. There are apples, oranges & pears. You help yourself to one - which one do you choose?

The orange, hands down. i love citrus fruit.

8. What is your biggest pet peeve in the blogging world?

i don't really have any that i can think of. It is the individuality of blogs that i enjoy, so if someone does something different or strange, that just makes it interesting. i just wish i had more time to read the ones i enjoy reading.

9. What is one religion that you could just never see yourself joining?

That's an easy one--Islam.

10. What word do you use far too often?

It's not a word, but a phrase--"you know". If i pay attention i can stop saying it, but if i'm excited and in a hurry to tell something, it will creep back in.

11. How long do you spend in the shower?

i believe it takes me at least half an hour. my hair is really long, so it takes a while to do all the shampooing and conditioning.

12. If you were to write a personal ad about yourself, what would it say?

Submissive woman, 50, interested in meeting masculine, dominant, masterful man for BDSM long-term relationship/marriage. Needs to be Torah-obedient or at least know Torah well enough to maintain those limits for me.

13. Your favorite flavor of soup is....?

Chicken.

14. You are sitting on a bench in the park and a bug walks in front of your feet.... do you squash him?

As long as he doesn't bother me, i won't bother him.

Wednesday Weirdness #46

2009-03-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. What makes a person sexy to you?

His masculinity, masterfulness, aura of power and control, intelligence, confidence, sense of humor, smile, twinkle in the eye.

2. When having the 'number of sex partners' talk with a potential significant other, would you be turned off if they had slept with more than a certain number of people? If yes, what is that number?

i can't imagine too many people having had more sex partners than my ex-husband, so i don't think i would be shocked or turned off. In fact, i don't see a big need for such a talk if we're both disease-free and intending to be each other's only partner from that point forward.

3. Once and for all, pocketbook sized dogs and the people who carry them in pocketbooks. Cute or crazy?

i have to say cute for the dogs and crazy for the people, especially if they dress them up and treat them like people. It's not the poor dogs' fault.

4. Do you give up anything for Lent? If so, what?

i don't do Lent, but i fasted a couple of days ago--the fast of Esther the day before Purim.

5. If you live with someone, what is the one thing you will never let them see you do?

i only live with my children presently, but this is universal no matter with whom i am living--i prefer to go to the bathroom in private.

TMI Tuesday #177

2009-03-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

1. Are you pro-marriage? Why or why not?

Yes, i consider myself pro-marriage, but i do not advocate getting a governmental marriage license. i don't think the government belongs in marriage. i know a lot of people think it protects the children especially, but these days child support is ordered regardless of whether or not the parents were ever married with a license. Whether a person keeps their commitments or not has to do with who they are, not the possession of a piece of paper.

2. Have you ever invented or thought you invented a sexual position?

With all the books and art of all kinds going back to ancient times depicting seemingly every possible sexual position, it would be hard to imagine someone coming up with something new, so i'd have to say no on that one.

3. Do you like to be tied up? Always or sometimes?

Yes, i like being tied up, and i am weighing in with 'sometimes'. i also like doing other things, so 'always' would make it impossible to do other things i like.

4. Do you consider online cybering adultery?

i wouldn't go so far as to call it adultery, but if one's partner doesn't know about it, it very well could be considered a betrayal by them, especially if their partner is doing that instead of having real sex with them.

5. Do you prefer masturbation over real sex?

Definitely not!

6. Do you want sex more times a day than your partner?

i'm going to have to base this on my last partner, and i have to say 'yes' since his preference was 0 times a day too often, and i generally like to have sex at least once a day.

7. Do you get offended when your partner openly flirts with others or are you okay with it?

It depends on the type of flirting. If it is just a friendly kind of thing with a little teasing that's not too personal or focused, that doesn't bother me, but if it seems like there's a genuine interest in that particular person above and beyond the usual type of friendly flirting, then it would probably hurt my feelings.

8. Do you think you're flirty by nature?

i think i'm more friendly than flirty. i have no problem striking up conversations with strangers of either gender. i don't get very flirty unless i'm interested in that particular person, which is probably why i answered question 7 the way i did.

Adolescence and Beyond

2009-03-09T13:45:00.001-07:00

One of the things i've noticed lately is that my children talk to me nearly daily about their love lives. The children i'm speaking of are 20, 15 and 14, and it seems like they are comfortable talking about these things with me because they know i will understand since i'm in a similar stage of life, having a crush of my own.

On a recent visit, i leaned over and in a conspiratorial manner whispered to my 20-year-old, "i'm falling for A," and then she shrieked and got all giddy and bouncy and said, "Oh, I know what you mean, I am so totally falling for C!" And then we were both giddy and bouncy and giggly, talking about the attributes of our respective beaux.

On a subsequent visit, she couldn't wait to tell me about her first kiss with C. Her description of this had me in stitches, as she was telling me how she was thinking, "Whoa, whoa, that's way too much tongue!" In addition to how funny her way of saying "Whoa" was, i was also laughing because i was thinking that someday she will no longer have such an aversion to french kissing. Not very many days later she called to inform me that C is no longer in favor because on one of those questionnaires floating around MySpace he answered that the person he last texted was his ex-girlfriend. Her disposition of the matter was to conclude, "Well, at least I still have my gym hottie to enjoy!" Every time she says "gym hottie" it makes me laugh.

my 15-year-old gives me long narratives about which boys said what and did what at school that day along with all of her reactions to every little thing. i remember what all of that was like, so i try to get some words of advice in edgewise when i can. She listens to me more than she used to. i also told her how i felt about A and mentioned to her how happy i was that He had helped me get structured and organized enough to finally get my divorce papers finished. For some reason, this information prompted her to say, "Mom, you just like guys who boss you around." I was taken by surprise that she had perceived that about me. I answered, "Well, yes, that's true, but not meanies."

my 14-year-old went through a break-up with his girlfriend the other night. They had been going together for 10 months, which is quite a long-term relationship for that age. He told me all about the entire conversation. i asked relevant questions, one being, "Did she tell you why she wanted to break up?" He answered, "She said it was because everybody on the bus had told her that I was flirting with C." i was thinking, my goodness, we just got back from the bus stop--how on earth did 'everybody' tell her stuff already? So, i asked him, "Were you flirting with C?" And he said, "Well, yeah, but..." And then we both started laughing. So, now i guess he's getting together with C, even though K called back and wanted to get back together about an hour after breaking up with him.

As for me, i still only have eyes for A.